A Baby's Definition of Torture

 

How to torture information out of a baby:

 

 First, try changing their diaper. A simple yet infuriating form of torture. 

If that doesn't do the trick, force them to wear clothing--preferably a shirt with a small neck opening, so it squashes their face in the dressing process. A bow is the brain-squeezing cherry on top (just for girls--I'm not that cruel).

If that proves futile, you could engage in the evilness of making them take a nap or get buckled into their car seat, or take a less aggressive approach and ignore them while you blog hop. An hour in church or a long road trip will also have them crying out for mercy.

If none of the above suggestions are effective, it's probably time to break out the big guns--the nose aspirator, a.k.a booger sucker. But don't let them see you coming, or the flailing and thrashing will start, and when they're on the defensive, you can forget about successfully aiming that thing into such an itty bitty nostril.

I hope these tips help you obtain the information you desire desperately enough to resort to torture--perhaps where baby hid your keys, why they won't sleep through the night, or whether they indeed have a dairy allergy.